Dating as a Widow Part 1

Oh how I’ve contemplated writing about this so much. But then I remind myself that this is my grief journey, my healing journey and while everyone may not like it or agree with it, it’s my journey nonetheless.  

One of the questions I noticed a lot in my widow groups was, ‘how will I know when I’m ready to date again?’ and the same answers appeared over and over. You’ll just know. There is NO time limit when it comes to this process either. I know some widows who started dating immediately after their spouse passed, while other widows still haven’t dated at all. I’ve also met a handful that fall into the in between, I’m somewhere in that in between space.  

Now, you must remember, Tim and I were together for 12 years. Do you know how much dating has changed in 12 years? It was a complete and total culture shock to me. Here I was, 39 years old, sober, widowed and completely lost as a person, just trying to navigate life day by day. I thought that I was ready to date at one point... So I did what pretty much everyone else was doing and joined a dating app. I mean, how else are people supposed to meet these days? It’s almost impossible to meet someone organically, especially when you’re sober and don’t even go out. The internet dating scene was wild... it felt like we were just trying to convince others that we are a cool ass person and hope that they thought so too. Within a few weeks of window shopping, I decided to actually put some effort into the whole dating site. I started to swipe right more often, open conversations with people and it all just felt like such a waste of time. Then, I met someone. I met someone so very different than anyone I ever would have dated in the past. I thought, try something different. I got wrapped up in his charm very quickly and after a couple months I realized I was 100% being love bombed. Sure, it felt great at first. Someone wanted to spend time with me, see me often, we laughed together, had a good time but I started to notice certain traits that I wasn’t so sure about. That’s when a friend told me about love bombing and as I read it my jaw hit the floor and I was blown away by all the characteristics and traits that love bombing had in common with my new interest. It’s safe to say, that didn’t last. I’ll admit it felt good to feel wanted again, to feel a connection again, but after being love bombed I also realized how incredibly vulnerable and sensitive I have become. I was trying to fill a void, and when you realize that, you realize maybe you aren’t ready to be dating after all.  

Dating a Widow is different... we come with baggage. We come with trauma. We are fragile. We are vulnerable. We feel deeply. Then add being a Widow to suicide, it kind of adds a whole different twist on widowhood. I felt like damaged goods, I felt like I was so broken that nobody would ever want to deal with me or date me. I was too much of a risk. When men would hear I was a widow, one of two things would happen; they’d ghost me or they’d come on way too strong (trying to be a hero). The thing is, I didn’t need saving. I wanted a companion. I wanted that adult interaction, the connection, the emotional support. I didn’t want to be treated as if I was fragile but I was indeed very fragile (must handle with care) and in today’s dating world, that felt slim to none. We need a partner with strong emotional intelligence... a partner that is secure in the situation. Not someone who is jealous of a person who is no longer here, it’s not like he’s going to come back from the dead and try to get me back and there are many men out there that just can’t get passed that. I ran into a lot of ‘you have to move on’ type of guys and that just didn’t sit well with me. Grief isn’t something you move on from, it’s something that you carry with you for the rest of your life and I was finding that a lot of people didn’t or don’t understand that.  

Then there’s the feelings of guilt that surface. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this one person and now here I am searching for a new person. Some days it just didn’t feel right, other days, it was fine. I often felt that I didn’t deserve to be happy. How could I be happy with someone else when my husband died? How can I be with another person when my forever person died? Then a dear friend told me these words, ‘Kristy, you took a vow that said til’ death do us part’ and death has parted you.’ I looked at them with this very blank stare... they were right. My feelings of guilt started to subside and I realized that it was OK for me to start dating. I didn’t need to feel guilty about it. I didn’t need to worry about if other people thought it was too soon or too strange. I just had to worry about myself.  

I tried the dating apps one more time and met a couple decent people who in the end, taught me some valuable life lessons. As I was going through the dating pool, I was seeing someone that I thought could work out... over time I realized it would have never worked out but what really helped me realize that was my therapist. She asked me one day, ‘Pretend you aren’t a widow, pretend you’re just a single woman out there just looking for companionship, would you choose him?’ and I sat there, and I thought to myself, no. No, I would not pick him and here are all the reasons why, I rattled off x, y and z to her.  

Our grief brains are foggy for a long time, they cloud our judgement, they make us feel deeply, they even make us question so many life choices and decisions. We aren’t always clear headed and sometimes we are just trying to get through the day, we don’t notice the bigger picture and what it may look like. My bigger picture was not with this guy.  

The biggest take away was, I needed to be focusing on myself. I WAS broken, I WAS fragile, I DID have low self-esteem, I WAS a mess inside. I had to get all of that right before I could fully give myself to anyone else. So, I started to work on me more. I increased my therapy sessions, I started to read again, I began taking better care of myself as a whole; mind, body and soul. I started to feel the shift inside of me, although it be slow, it was there. I was becoming more independent, I was becoming kinder to myself, I was actually doing the homework given to me in groups and therapy, I started to read again, I practiced my gratitude and grounding. I just had to recenter myself. I had to dive into what was holding me back, I had to get real with myself, own my shit and figure it out. So I did.. And honestly, still am. We are a constant work in progress and I’ve always known that but knowing it and actually doing the work are two totally different things.  

My heart started to feel less cold and empty. I allowed myself to have joyful moments without feeling guilty. I no longer felt like I just needed someone to fill a void, I felt like I wanted someone to do life with.  

To be continued...