Final Grief Holiday Survival Guide and Tips to Help You Understand Your Grieving Loved One, This Holiday Season

“Avoiding holiday gatherings with your family this season isn’t overreacting or being dramatic. It’s honoring the parts of you that are still healing from past wounds” - The Workout Witch  

From Loveliveson.com / IG: healgrief 

1. LET YOURSELF SAY ‘NO’: Above all else you need to take care of yourself. If you’re feeling sand and not up for going to the holiday party, give yourself permission to say no. Stay home, watch a movie and take care of yourself.  

2. IT'S OKAY TO LEAVE EARLY: You might feel like you’re up for a social gathering until you get there and realize ‘I am not okay being here’. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to go home early... your friends will understand.  

3. ALWAYS HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY: Drive to holiday parties yourself so you have the option to leave as soon as things get too difficult to handle. Avoid hosting if you can, if you host you can’t leave. Always make sure you have an escape plan in place.  

4. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND: So you’ve said yes to that thing you said you’d do but now you’re absolutely dreading it. Know that you’re allowed to change your mind if you’ve over committed yourself, be honest. You’re allowed to change your mind.  

5. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE: Only surround yourself with people who make you feel supported and understand that you’re grieving and might not be up for celebrating this year.  

6. KNOW IT’S OKAY TO BE SAD AND IT’S OKAY TO BE HAPPY TOO: You don’t have to love this holiday season. A lot of it is hard. Give yourself that okay to be sad, it's also okay to feel happy. It's okay to get better, it doesn’t mean you’re ‘over’ the loss.  

Megan Devine: Refuge in Grief 

1. SAY NO A LOT: Really, other people will tell you to ‘get out more, be social’. You know what? No, if ‘being social’ gives you the hives, why on earth would you do that? Remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. You can say ‘no, thank you’ if you must say more.  

2. CHOOSE YOUR GATHERINGS CAREFULLY: If you choose to attend a party or event, please choose wisely. Small gatherings might have been most comfortable in your life before but sometimes a big crowd is easier than a small one, because you can slip out unnoticed as you need to.  

3. FIND COMPANIONSHIP: Or find ways to be alone together with others. Grief is a lonely experience. We need each other. Musical offerings, candlelight meditations or services – check local papers and community sites to see what's going on nearby. Remember to follow safe health practices for public events.  

4. VOLUNTEER: The first thanksgiving after my husband died, I volunteered in the local soup kitchen. It was an ‘acceptable’ reason for not attending family obligations and also a way that I could serve others in my own quiet way.  

5. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF: Take a minute to breathe – one good inhale/exhale and ask yourself how you’re doing. Ask yourself what you need. Maybe you need to leave right now. Maybe you feel like you can put on your emotional blinders and push through. Give yourself what you need in that moment.  

6. MAKE NEW RITUALS: Your holiday traditions and rituals don’t have to look like they did before. Rituals are living things. They shift and change, just as life does. This is not a normal time. Allow yourself to let go of both expectations and tradition. Your rituals can – and maybe should – reflect your new reality.  

7. HAVE A PLAN BEFORE YOU GO OUT: Before you go to a party of an event, or out to run an errand, take a moment to figure out your exit plan. Give yourserlf an out, whether that’s a specific time limit or an emotional cue that lets you know you’ve had enough and it’s time to go. Stick to your plan.  

8. LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WANT: Remember, this is your life. You do not have to do anything that feels bad or wrong or horrifying. Even if you agreed to participate in something, you can change your mind at any time. Stop whatever you’re doing and go home whenever you want.  

The Holiday season will likely add to your grief. That is just reality. To the best of your ability, seek out those places that companion your sadness. Avoid places that ask you to pretend you are something other than you are. Make this season as much of a comfort to you as you can.  

Ways to go easy on yourself while grieving this holiday season (whatsyourgrief): 

1. Remember the holidays don’t have to be perfect. Perfection will not protect you from experiencing grief and sadness this holiday season. 

2. Be intentional but flexible about tradition. An important question to as is ‘How do we as a family, honor traditions while also allowing it to change if it must?’ 

3. Practice saying ‘No’. Be honest with yourself (and others) that things are different this year. In order to take good care of yourself and those you care about; you may need to take it easy and that’s okay!  

4. Schedule “Me” time. Work specific coping activities into your weekly calendar and plan for timeouts during busy activities and gatherings.  

5. Utilize your resources and ask for help. Even if you don’t have family and friends you can count on, there are services and groups in your community that can hopefully help you make it through.  

6. Allow yourself to experience moments of comfort and joy. Emotions are not either or and you can feel far more than one thing at a time. Things like laughter and warmth, for example don’t cancel out your sadness.  

7. Find opportunities to connect with deceased loved ones. One of the best ways to cope with the pain of missing a loved one at the holidays is to find ways to connect with them and to incorporate their memory into your holiday gatherings and celebrations. 

Lion Heart Grief Coaching: How to be present with someone grieving during the holidays (a practical approach to presence): 

1. Grievers are not just experiencing the loss of their person, they are also coming to terms with the fact that no new memories will be created with them.  

2. It is important for supporting people to understand that sadness and distress at the expectation of merriment is powerful. You can help by being a person who accepts their emotions without trying to fix it.  

3. Be proactive in your connection with the griever. Check in daily, and let the know its ok if they don’t respond – you just want them to know you’re thinking about them.  

4. Be the unspoken wing person at holiday gatherings. This can look like having a ‘safe word’ to make an escape/rescue if the griever is struggling at an event, commit to leaving early with them if necessary  

5. Just one good friend can make the difference in the of a griever during the holidays... be that friend.  

Miss Conception Coach: Please be patient with a grieving heart: 

• Grief impacts someone's executive functioning. Fatigue is felt through their entire body. They might have a hard time even getting out or bed and starting daily tasks.  

• Grief impacts someone's ability to concentrate. After starting tasks they might have a hard time completing them or remembering what they are doing.  

• Grief impacts someone’s sensory processing. They might get overwhelmed and flooded easily, especially from sounds and light. People and places can feel like way too much.  

• Grief impacts someone's attention span. The idea of reading a lot of text an feel overwhelming. The feelings of restlessness, but also the inability to concentrate on anything for too long.  

• Grief impacts someone's ability to be around people. They want to feel connected to other people that feel safe but don’t want the pressure of having to share or listen to platitudes.  

• Grief impacts someone's thoughts. They often feel anxious about people they care about and their safety. They might have intrusive thoughts and worry about bad things happening to them.  

• Grief impacts someone's emotional bandwidth. They can be easily flooded and irritated by people around them. They might swing from feeling ok one minute then tears or anger the next.  

• Grief impacts someone's sleep and appetite. They might not be hungry, or they might want to comfort from certain foods. Some might want to sleep all the time and some might have insomnia.  

• Grief impacts someone's memory. They might forget what they are saying mid-sentence or remember what they did yesterday. Grief fog is felt cognitively and the sense of time often dissipates.