Raw & Real Trauma Mama

Trigger warning, there will be detailed talk about suicide so if this is too much for you, please don’t continue reading 

Writing has become part of my healing journey and sometimes I have to share the real, raw, devastating parts of my journey. This is one of those moments. Please remember that I don’t share my story for pity, I share my story in hopes it reaches someone, and they realize they aren’t alone in their tragedy.  

I will never forget that night, the flashbacks replay in my mind, the pain encompasses my heart and my life can’t believe this is what has happened. As I heard those gun shots, it took my breath away and stopped me dead in my tracks. I ran as fast as I could toward the sound. When I found Tim laying in a neighbors driveway it was like a really bad movie. Throwing myself on top of him screaming “no, no no”. Banging on neighbors doors with no answers at 2:30am. Screaming for help as I hold his lifeless body. I somehow managed to call 911 and when I told her what happened she asked for me to try and give him mouth to mouth but I couldn’t, it was impossible. Besides, he was already gone.  

We see it on TV, we watch it in the movies but we never think it will happen to us. As I lay over his body, screaming and crying, the police had to literally pry me off of him and carry me across the street. I had already seen too much. They wrapped me in a blanket as I cried uncontrollably. He did it, he actually did it. He talked about it so often that I didn’t think he would actually do it. Suicide Ideation is what the doctors called it. The thought of suicide but never the follow through. However, he snapped and felt this was his only way out. I just remember sitting there thinking no no no, this is not happening.  

I often times wonder what would have happened if I was just 15 seconds sooner, if I had ran left instead of right. Would I have been able to talk him out of it or would he have done it in front of me anyways. I’ll never know. But sitting across the street, seeing him covered in a white sheet just like the movies broke every being in my body. It did something to me that can never be undone.  

Those visions, thoughts and feelings don’t go away either. I could be smack dab in the middle of the day and all of a sudden get a flashback of me running barefoot down the street, or a flashback of finding his lifeless body, or a flashback of them peeling me off of him... these flashbacks come out of nowhere and I have zero control over them. I can be fine one minute and then not the next. I’m not in control of this and it drives me crazy. Learning how to contain the crazy is just as hard. Sometimes I’m standing in line at the grocery store and my eyes swell and I have to think of something that brings me joy to prevent the tears from falling. I might be in a meeting going over a presentation and hit with a flashback for no reason, trying to keep my composure. I could be carrying on a conversation with someone and a word can make my heart drop and knock the breath right out of me. I can’t control when they happen, however, I’m learning how to control a way to respond to them when they do happen. No easy feat.  

This whole experience has left me with a laundry list of things that I never had to worry about before. I now suffer from severe PTSD, let's throw in some intense social anxiety, that can be physically debilitating. I’ve learned that I have a huge fear of abandonment (who would have thought). Sprinkled with some major depressive disorder that becomes extremely heavy during holidays, special occasions and important dates. All of which have been incredibly difficult to accept. Not to mention a complete loss of a life that should have been. I wasn’t this way before. So not only am I now trying to figure out who I am, because identity crisis is real my friends, I must figure out who I am with all these additional elements added to it.   

I’m very active in my healing process. I have been from the very beginning. Trying to dive into things that would fulfill my heart and soul. I see a therapist weekly, I do EMDR to help process the trauma, I attend grief support groups and I take to social media to reach other widows or survivors of suicide loss. There is no time frame on grief. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Nothing in life could ever prepare you for such tragedy. I’m doing all the things that ‘society’ says I should be doing (and then some), yet I’m still grieving. I’m still so very much impacted by this major life event. What most people don’t realize, is that I’ll forever be grieving, it won’t ever go away. We just learn to live with it better over time.  

Then we add another layer to the equation, I also think about how this has impacted other people and how terrible that makes me feel. The phone call to my sister at 2:30am telling her I needed her because Tim killed himself. The police officer talking to my mom telling her what happened because I was sobbing uncontrollably. My sponsor coming to sit with me in the middle of the night until my family could get there. The last person Tim spoke to, the last phone call he made, the several other attempted phone calls he made to people, I think about it all. That night... The 26th of June 2023 changed all of our lives forever. I worry about their grief journey, I worry about how they are processing this loss, I worry that we aren’t doing all we can to accept what is. Thus, making life that much harder. I know that I can’t worry too much about others grief journey but this life event shook us to our core and changed us all... forever. I can’t help but worry how others are coping.  

Then of course there are the people that say, ‘it will get easier in time’ or ‘you’ll get back to your old self soon enough’ or my favorite ‘everything happens for a reason’. News flash none of those things are going to happen or will happen. I will never be the same again, it will never get easier, and I’m skeptical that everything happens for a reason. I know these are things people say when they don’t know what to say but I’d rather you say nothing and just give me a hug. I’m already beating myself up daily with grief, guilt and regret. I’m already struggling with the reality of my life being flipped upside down and losing my husband, the last thing I need is unsolicited advice that makes zero sense in this moment.  

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I have been very open about Tim’s struggles and his death. As well as very open about what I’ve experienced since. I sometimes overshare details about the events that occurred. However, I do this for a variety of reasons:  

1. Don’t ask a question you aren’t ready for the answer to, i.e. may I ask how it happened?  

2. If I can openly talk about it, maybe it will help create more awareness around the real deal of mental illness and suicide 

3. Sharing my experience might help just one person and for me, that’s more than enough.  

And let’s be real, healing fucking hurts sometimes. Especially when we are going through it alone, or we feel alone. It feels like peeling back a layer of an onion day after day, something new happens or surfaces that we never imagined.  On our healing journey we have many ‘a-ha’ moments as well. Things suddenly start to make sense. Like a rubix cube, we are constantly trying to make the colors align and fit perfectly but often very confused in the process. We have to open our hearts and souls to the unimaginable and unthinkable to expose the rawness that this tragedy of grief has left us with. Open it for the world to see and work hard to heal all the wounds. No matter how long it takes, may be forever, but I’ll keep working on myself. I’ll continue on my healing journey. I’ll keep working towards self-discovery. I’m creating a new version of myself. Authentically, unapologetically me, whatever she looks like.  

I can’t tell you how hard it is to look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back at you, but with time, care, grace and gratitude, I’ll recognize her soon enough. We are all a work in progress. Grow through what you go through my friends. Every life event has a lesson to be taken from it, sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper on what the lesson really is. Keep looking though, you’ll find it. I promise. We can do hard things.  

If you are grieving or want to have a better understanding of what grief is like, I found the below. We aren’t crazy... we are grieving and that is a huge relief to many.